The Mirror of Dez the Wicked

[ENTER NOVEMBER]

The day is heavy with the misty rain and subtle autumn gloom is descending upon the school. The students are quiet as their midterms pass, losing themselves in the steam of their coffee or in the idle drags of a cigarette. Newspapers litter the wet ground, black block letters flashing the news “Body found in Sproul Hall late Wednesday” next to Bob Dole’s picture and the article detailing his scheduled appearance at the Mondavi Center. Nobody is talking about it. The air is still.

I drove my car to my apartment this morning. Aljay had left early from his house to go to work at the Dental Office down the street and I was left in his bed with his soft kisses lingering on my lips. Halfheartedly I woke up, got dressed, printed out my Spanish paper, and left by the back door. The drive back to Drake Drive was lonely. My radio stayed mute and the drone of my ’89 Ford Escort blocked out any noise from passing beings.
In the house, up the stairs…down the stairs, into the kitchen…

I found myself outside Wellman, in through the left double doors, and walking down the hall to 103. Spanish class brought about the news of the suicide: Los oficiales de la escuela encontraron a un hombre japones o asiatico colgando en un gabinete de utilidades en las oficinas de Sproul ayer. My Spanish teacher was quite flustered. She is a very caring person, una carinosa, and the effect of the news was easy to see. "Ay clase", ella nos dijo en voz delicado, "habia otro occurencia como esto el ano pasado. No se mucho, pero habia otra persona que se suicido…pues…creo que era en la oficina del departemento de historia…".

She was very flustered today.

I left the classroom and began making my way to Everson Hall, next to Chem 194, dark and gloomy myself in my grey slacks, black boots, black vest, and red shirt. I was an anonymous silhouette moving across the grass and badly paved walkways, cloaked in my leather jacket and obscured further by my grey plaid scarf. My usual bench was damp with water, so I moved through Everson to the courtyard and set my backpack down on a table under the overhang. Sociology reading. Two hours of mental wandering. Asleep within thirty minutes.

I was walking through a dark and cold courtyard, shrouded by mist. I could see my breath and my heals were sinking into mud. My feet ached as if I had been walking for hours. Soon I came upon a tree, massive trunk extending above the mist, producing foliage, an inky black umbrella against the perpetually grey sky. As I reached the place where the thick roots delved down into the soft earth, I fell to my knees and felt the urge to lay down upon the ground. There was water falling from the many branches and leaves above me, so that soon I was soaked to the skin, my hair twisting itself into curls as large drops of water cascaded down my head and face. I laid down and the earth was warm and comforting…and soon I sank in completely…

It was raining heavily when I woke up and a shiver of cold passed through me. My right eye had a hard time focusing, probably from having been slept on for a half an hour, but it blurred a good deal of my vision. Still regaining awareness, I looked around.

There were a couple of girls around me, having more success in their readings than I had. A boy was looking at me from all the way down the hallway. I couldn’t discern his face apart from the fact that it was light against his black clothes…but I could distinctly tell he was looking at me. In and out of Sociology, thoughts about my “role as a woman in society” remaining vastly unchanged. The rain was falling hard against my hood, which was abandoned altogether by the time I reached the B-Line double-decker. My boots squeeked as I ascended the tiny stairway to the upper deck. The windows were fogged with condensation, and the air weighed heavily upon my chest.

Little bulbs of light switched on overhead as the old engine rumbled to life. Heh, I had never noticed them before. They’re kinda cute…but soon, rounding the U-Mall, the left side cut out, leaving the only light source on my right side. With the sway of the vehicle, I brought my thoughts back to the suicide. The man had been found hanging by that plastic yellow rope people use for maintenance…no foul play is suspected and the authorities are calling this an “unintended death”. How is that possible? It wasn’t an accident that he died unless he was an autoerotic asphixiac and just happened to not be able to get out….he mustn’t have been very good at it. But if it wasn’t an accident that a man ended up hanging up with the mop and such, then SOMEONE intended it. Either he, himself, or another party. It’s just logical.

Soon I was the only one left on the bus and I took advantage of the lack of witnesses to inscribe “I *heart* ALJAY” on the window. Smiling to myself, they pulled up to my stop at the corner of Drake and Sycamore, and I collected my belongings and hopped off the bus.
--
I’m going to make dinner for Aljay before he comes home. It will be nice: chicken and potatoes au gratin , with ice cream + cream liquor for dessert. I’ll have to start cooking at 9:30 so that it will be ready for him when he comes home from coaching. After dinner, we’ll watch the rest of “The Life of David Gale” and maybe another movie if I’m conscious. Then comes the weekend, busy in every essence.

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An Update from the W.O.D. World of Dez:

Well, incase anybody was curious, life for me has been splendid. I'm living with my boyfriend, Aljay, in Davis for the summer and I will be moving into a townhouse come September 8. I'm sorry if any of you have ben calling me on my cell phone recently. I drove down with Aljay to San Diego to visit his parents and ended up getting splashed by a dolphin at Sea World...inevitably soaking my phone. I'm picking up a new phone today...one of those $20 basic phones I can push buttons on and here a voice on the other end of the line.

Living with Aljay has been great. For the last five weeks we have volunteered for N.Y.S.P. (National Youth Sports Program) from 7:45-3pm. It's a program which targets underprivileged kids from age 10-16, providing free breakfast and lunch as well as transportation from as far as Fairfield to the UC Davis Campus. They engage in classes and sports throughout the week. Drug and Alcohol Awareness, Math and Science, Soccer, Swimming, Basketball, Golf, and best of all, fencing. Aljay and I helped coach the kiddies in the Olympic sport of fencing alongside Coach Dick Berry and Ashley (*rolls eyes at the latter for numerous reasons*). We taught them all foil while demonstrating the other weapons electrically during the course of the month. Aljay and I are seriously the coolest instructors ever! The kids loved us! We were cool cats...demonstrating weapons for the kids, teaching them, taking on ten of them at a time during the last week....dressing up like a privateer and a pirate wench for the closing ceremonies. Aljay taught a kid to draw and he's now set on being an artist. I became the problem child's favorite teacher...she hugged me everyday. It's amazing to see firsthand the impact that you make upon the children. For some of them, you're all they have to look up to. One kid came and asked if he could take my hand for a moment. I agreed and he pinched the fleshy area between my thumb and forefinger. It hurt when he did that, and he commented that my reaction meant that I would be a good mother. He talked about how it hurt his foster mother, and she has never had a kid in prison...

Perhaps I'll talk about Ashley and what a bitch she is later...if I want to vent or transfer my stress to something. Seriously though...what a bitch.

But it's not wise to speak ill of the dead...and she is dead to me for the time being.

I am having a wonderful time with Aljay. They say that living with someone gives the relationship a real test, especially early on. But our situation while quite the same, is completely different. We are together nearly 24 hours a day, mainly due to my lack of transportation, and we love it. I know I'm seeming clingy...getting all girly and cooey when I recieve one of his text messages when I'm away (especially when I was in Georgia for SNs), but I know that this time next year he will be gone. When he leaves for dental school (hopefully UCSF) in Fall 2007, we will have been together for almost 2 years. As it stands right now, we have been together for almost 9 months and we're loving every minute of it! I'm in love with a sage, a warrior, a man, a child. He nurtures me...every bit of me, my soul, my mind. Each and every day he tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me...I was skeptical of a first love lasting...for love enduring at so young and age...but there are so many things which tell me it will...for lifetimes.

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We're warriors, he and I...eduring a variety of loves hardships and trials. He's been wounded before while I, myself, am fresh on the battlefield. I was the first to ever hear the words, "I love you", part from his lips...the first girlfriend to ever meet the parents...etc, etc. "Des," he said oneday in the car, "I was just thinking how ironic it is...". "What?" "How when we met it was you first quarter and it was my last. I thought it would be ironic if I was your first love..." he looks at me, "and you were my last."

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So these two hearts meet through a series of quite fortunate events which I'm sure I have detailed time over. I'm becoming more comfortable with the notion that he is going off to dental school for four years, countering my obvious anxiety with the thought the I trust him implicitly, that he loves me, and that life is as full and bountiful as ever.
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I am in his dreams, he has said...and he's related many of those dreams to me. Some of them are incredibly wonderful and funny, others...darkly imaginitive. He's in mine as well, I see him walking through forests with a cloak of black smoke, fighting our enemies..........ah, but enough about this type of stuff.

I must leave you to your own devices...I'll update later.

Cheers t'all me matie~
~Cap'n Dez o'the Rum Runner

Well, let me see what’s happened in the past weeks…they aren’t necessarily in order, just the order in which they pop into mi cabeza.

May 15, 2006—My 6 month-aversary with Aljay
So the sweetest thing happened to me. It was a Monday night at I was sitting in Hickey GYM watching an epee bout with my back to the door. Aljay wasn’t there to talk to since he works in Carmichael at National Fencing Centers as a coach 4 nights a weeks. I was about to get up and fence when I hear this huge “HALT!!!” Everybody stopped fencing and I turned around to see Aljay, looking chic as ever in all white.
“Can I have everybody’s attention!” He said.
The whole 30 number of us unhooked and gathered around. I was worried because I thought he was going to say something about him leaving his coaching at UCD Fencing, since he had been venting to me the past week about how it seemed as if no one cared anymore. To my surprise he continued:
“Now I have to keep this short for three reasons: One, because I have to …Two, because of the power of what I am about to say…and Three, ….because I can only sing in ONE key and that is OFFKEY.”
I stared at him.
“So, Des, on our six month anniversary…”

…and he proceeded to serenade me with “You are My Sunshine” in front of the entire UCD Fencing Club. Everybody was doing the hippie swaying and making kumbaya love circles while I was blushing, hiding behind my hands. When he finished I dropped all my fencing gear and ran to him, hugged him and kissed him. Everybody was clapping…

May 13, 2006
The Whole Earth Festival came to UCD and it was pretty awesome. I went with Aljay in the early afternoon and enjoyed pacing between the stalls of interesting wares. I bought a silver ear cuff which I am quite happy with and danced a little with Aljay to the live music. He was having a good time checking out all the women who were dancing, until—
“Whoa! Aw! Eeeeeew!!” Some chick was dancing with her arms above her head.
“So..much…hair…” he said, rocking and twitching. I laughed and he grabbed hold of my shoulders. “Dez, I am so happy you shave!!!”

We had a fun afternoon and with the evening came TC’s Spring Fling party at his house in Sac. A bunch of fencers came, all spiffed-out. English (Aka: Master Wild, Chris, or the Brit) came decked out in black slacks, white collard shirt and bow-tie and a black cape and hat with a large white plume in it. How awesome is that?! Other people were decked out too. The majority of the time I spent socializing and…wait for it….EATING!. It was a strawberry and cream pizza…meaning this thing with a thin crust on top of which were strawberries and cool whip. *licks lips of drool* It was AWESOME!! Had a few cup-fulls of wine, Aljay was drinking bourbon with Zaheer and TC…all-around lovely time. The TC began giving out the awards the club voted on such as The Golden Band-Aid, Team Hottie (Male and Female), one for most spirited and most blades broken…but yeah.
TC called out Preston for Male Team Hottie 2006 as voted on by the club members…and then heralded off the next certificate’s description to everybody gathered ‘round.

This woman has been voted 100% Team Hottie (female) 2006 as based on the near-unanimous acclaim of those team members who expressed delight at her honey-colored skin, the saucy lilt of her smile and the dangerously naughty twinkle in her eyes that sends most mortal men into spasms of inadequacy. With all of the rights, responsibilities and privileges appertaining thereto, I hereby confer upon…DESIREE de VRIES the title of Team Hottie 2006.

I was soooooo embarrassed ad I walked up to stand alongside Preston. The rest of the night guys were coming up to Aljay and saying, “Dude, you’re dating the team hottie! Rock on!”

Aljay and I hung out as the stars came out. Him sitting on my lap on TC’s patio lit by tiki torches, listening TC tell jokes. Then TC turned to me:
“Aljay, take yourself out of the picture for a moment…Desiree,” he turned to me, “You are exactly what we needed at UCD. Exactly what I needed. I needed an epeeist and you’re everything I could have ever wanted in a person and a fencer. You are charming, attractive, and one of the nicest people in the world, and I think that you finding Aljay is simply beautiful.” He said some other stuff…probably regarding fencing…fate…or the like. As I may have mentioned before…the entire fencing club saw our relationship coming long before we had, including others such as my mom, and key people such as TC, Vinnie (Cenzo), and Fez. Everybody…and it was the end of Aljay’s drama which had engulfed him for the past five years…the end of his searching. For good. As he said once…
“How ironic it is. That it was your first quarter and my last…how ironic would it be if I was your first love, and you were my last…”

…and his mentality hasn’t changed a bit.

May 20, 2006
Aljay and I went to a Morraccan (sp) restaurant in Carmichael with Dave, a saber fencer and Philosophy professor, his wife who is a professor of Anthropology and the anthro club…oh, and Mihaly because there were single chicks. It was so much fun! And the food was excellent! There was a young woman belly-dancing around us as we sat on cushions on the floor around our tables, pulling people up to dance with her in the center of the restaurant. Not more than I few moments after she came out and I sat down did she come over and take my hand to pull me up with her. I was so embarrassed, but went up alone with everybody laughing and cheering me on. Initially, I just tried to follow what she was doing, copy as exactly as I may…then I got into it. I could look over and see Aljay smiling at me as he watched. Then the belly-dancer started going all Matirx on me. I took one look at her leaning back and said, “Fuck that.” When I sat down Aljay moves close to me and whispers, “Jesus Christ, Dez. I mean, Oh My Fucking God! God damn, that was so hot, I mean…seriously, that was awesome! It totally makes up for all the times you wouldn’t do the “hip dance” for me. I was checking you out…and then I thought, ‘What do the other guys think’, and I looked around…yep! That guy’s checking her out…and that one..and that one too…..you seriously showed up the belly dancer…she was trying so hard to out do you…HAH! My girlfriend stole the show from the belly dancer! Oh, she won’t want to take you back up there, you made her look bad!” The Boy-o was ecstatic. You should have seen him. He was grinning the entire time because he could say that .. “yes, that girl…that certified hottie…she’s with me and she loves me…and damn do I love that girl. That’s you, by-the-way Dez. Just in case you were wondering…”
I went up a couple more times, and Dave talked to me a little about my confidence and how *he nods and smiles at me* I looked …uh huh, pretty sexy…and great. And that he could feel confident saying that even though he’s married because he was sure his wife would say the same thing.

That’s a +5 to Charisma for this lovely bard.

[Everything Else]
Other stuff includes making plans to go to Atlanta, Georgia for the Summer National Championships in July. My mom and I are flying out on the 30th of June and back on the 7th of July. I’m fencing for 3 days, 3 events [Div 1, Div 2, and Junior (would have done Div 1-A, but I forgot I had points to qualify me for it and had thought better about fencing for 4 days…)]…mucho divertido.

Kelvin’s wedding is August 5th and Aljay will be coming to that with me. Yay for looking nice in the evening.

Uh, I don’t know what else.
I guess that’s life!

Well, the Sacramento Div 1 NAC is tomorrow....and I'm not fencing. I injured myself the weekend before last fencing doubles epee in the Davis Tourney. Picked up two more medals that weekend...third for women's epee and second for team epee...and then I died. All last week I stayed at Aljay's house because I couldn't climb stairs or get into my lofted bed. *sighs* fuck. *shrugs* oh well...I'm planning on stopping by tomorrow anyway to see people and look at the vendors. I'm an auto for the three events anyway (Div 1, Junior and Div 2)...

Saturday is Picnic Day for Davis and I encourage people to come and check it out. The only catch is that weather may ot be clement...but it's the biggest annual to-do in Davis with a huge parade and activities around the school. The UC Davis Fencing Club will be in the parade and there are designated stops along the route which allow us to fence in the streets for a few minutes. UCDFC will also be putting on a 45 minute exhibition on fencing in the ARC. I think it will be really cool to check out...I'll be working parts of it and I'll make sure everything will run smoothly. So come on up! It's not that far away!! I think departments will also be having their open house, so students can walk through.

Give me a call if anyone wants to come or meet up or anything. 1 (925) 360-8367

As for the rest of today: I have to read a short story...write a 5 page paper for Philosophy...go to fencing from 8-11 and then hit Hooters afterward.

*sighs* I need to stop being so stubborn...it's causing problems, and those problems are making my happiness fizzle out.

But still you are the comet that passed my way, something so rare, as I immediately saw, that I lept at the chance to catch it and bring you to me. And I know that no one more precious and beautiful will be such a catch...and that others let you slip through their grasp--but I know what I have and I shall hold on as tightly as I may, for fear that You, among all other men, will never pass my way again.

I want to wish everyone a happy thursday...and to hope that things remain...good.

*lets everything go and melts away*

adieu, adieu, adieu...he said to the ghost............

Okay, it’s April now…and please, do take me seriously.

My weekend is fucking going to shit and faster than it fucking ought to. I write to get out my feelings of anxiety and frustration before I go to sleep. And I will sleep well…
…maybe.

[The plan]: Leave Friday (school holliday) for home, visit the great-grandmother and housemate before she leaves…make a weekend of it and return home Sunday morning.

[The actuality]: Left Saturday morning, visited the great-grandmother and housemate before she left and returned Saturday night at 11 pm.

[What was fine]: Friday was nice…it was pouring, but Aljay let me tag along to a high school fencing demonstration where he taught for a few hours. Then it was back to his place. Saturday morning went off without a hitch and everything was fine through visiting the ggma. I was able to drive to Kinders for the first time in a year and get their last ball tip sandwich before they ran out of meat…live was good.

[Some of the fuck up]: Go to an unexpected house-warming party in Citrus Heights, become bored out of my mind for 6 hours, and end up half-sleeping on the couch. Brother sat on me as I slept and I had to battle him blindly for my dignity. Finally left the house to go back to my dorms. Dad walked me to the suite door and I open it…there’s Ashley with the hooka and the entire place smells like weed. Two guys were totally stoned and Dad left in a hurry. I walked to my bedroom door and unlocked it, opened it…and there were Lisa and Richard having sex on the bed. Frustrated rather than embarrassed, I just turned away and left to sit in the living room with the stoners. They didn’t say more than a few words to me as they left the suite…thankfully, as I was in no mood to talk. Lisa merely mentioned that she didn’t think I’d be back so early (granted) and Richard nodded and said, “Desiree, always a pleasure…” as he went out the door.

You know what, I’m tired of it. The guy owns his own apartment just two minutes WALK away. He’s the only one there. Why are they still having sex in the suite? It sucks for me because I would come in nearly every other day last quarter and they would be in bed together. I’d be stepping deftly over undergarments and such, trying to avert my eyes from nakedness…it just makes me feel uncomfortable and I find it really irritating. When I had come to terms with this fact of nature and life long ago…Lisa and I established that a “Do Not Disturb” sign (which is currently lying outside the door) would be implemented in the event that she was having sex. What the fuck happened there? I feel like it’s all my fault for some reason…oh, that reason being that I am ego-centric and the entire world and greater Universe revolve around me. I’m just getting really tired of it all.

Aljay was supposed to fence tomorrow in the Mt. Valley Qualifier for Summer Nationals…but something happened and now he probably isn’t. And it sucks because that was one of the main reasons I allowed myself to cut the weekend very short. Can’t bitch to Aljay right now because he’s with Mihaly at a “party”-esque thing for all the people who helped Mihaly move today. So yeah. I’m bitching right now…feeling sick because of the food at the house-warming, the permeating pot smell throughout the rooms of the suite, and the circumstances. Bitchbitchbitch…I’m tired. Perhaps that’s it. Maybe it will all just melt away into the morning…oh wait! Spring forward…the morning is coming faster than I care to think about right now….and nobody to talk to!!!

*clears throat*
ahem, but life, my friends, goes on and I will be better in the morning, perhaps. And life will once again see to me that thing full of joy and potential and love. And lord, do I believe it.

Thank you for listening.

*breathes in*
*breathes out*

*breathes in*
He's just taking the DATs...
*breathes out*
It's not the end of the world...
*breathes in*
But what if he doesn't do well?
*breathes out*
It's not the end of the world...
*breathes in*
and if he goes away?
*breathes out*
It's not the end of the world...
*breathes in*
all the "What-Ifs"....
Life goes on.
*hyperventilates*

...I don't know how they do it...how relationships can start apart and end apart...grow apart and grow when apart.

*shrugs*

I'm sitting outside, just now.
It's a wonderful feeling to see the onset of Spring happening right before your eyes. There's a tree not too far from where I sit, waiting for my Geology class, and I can see it through the spiderwebs shining as splinters of light on the breeze. The tree's internal branches are heavily blossomed in reds, pinks and white, just enough to where it looks magical. And when a cool breeze goes by, the blossoms shudder and fall in a little shower...sparce enough to not veil the trails of drunken insects, nor the bright green grasswhere the fallen petals lie. If I lean my head back a little, the vine, with their purple star flowers will try to reach into my hair like slender fingers meant for music. I could close my eyes and listen to my music and be blanketed into NoQuARA, the Not-Quite-Asleep Realm of Awake...where I could dream...

I'll dream of a day, just like this one, where the sun snaps its fingers and my worries are washed away in a solar baptism and infuses me with electricity. A walk, I dream I'll take, into shadowy foliage and Nature. Perhaps I'll sleep upon the floor of moss or soft grass...maybe under a weeping willow next to a river...and I'll hear the whispering, and I'll listen. As I sleep, a glass orb will be rolled to sit immediately before my face, so that I may look into it when I wake. And I will see what I have seen...what I have seen in reality and fantasy to mirror reality.

Ah, I would write more, but it would be considered unlucky to impart such thoughtsas I have had, such images as I have seen in my eye and that of my mind's...

but on another note, I'm looking into apartment-ness for the coming year. I am rooming with Peony Wong (A B02 in epee incase someone was wondering) in a 2 bed/ 2 bath place 2 miles from campus. Aljay will most likely be moving out from his house in september as he prepares to go to dental school (best case=UOP or UCSF, worst case=out of state *whispers* withSoCalcominginataclosesecond...) *sighs* come what may. Life is changing at hyperspeed and I am but trying to keep up. Finals are the week after next...*gah* and then classes resume for the Spring quarter relatively soon after.

I'm going to Reno for the Div 2 women's epee event on the 10th with Aljay (who would have copmpeted in Div2/3 sabre if he had just made the deadline *glares*, Junior PCCs are coming up too...better enter...then there is the Div 1 tourney in Sac...I'll be there...won the UC Berkeley women's epee tournament on Saturday, placing in the top eight overall (it's a mixed tournament with awards given for placing and then for the top 3 in each gender and then team) where the hell is Ian???he's supposed to be at UCB...FENCING! oh well...

Sunday I ended up running a tournament at DFA...well, actually just acting as the bout com., arranging pools, tableauxs and DEs for 3 weapons (3 events)...damn that was a long weekend. I couldn't fence, D and under and all, so I was there to root on Aljay and gossip with coaches, directors, and friends about the coaches and directors *winks*...

Aljay made me a dreamcatcher for valentine's day *sighs* it was awesome! I have made an executive decision and have decided that the song I will think about when thoughts come to us: "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman", by Bryan Adams. Yes. There is no other. It influences the mind of the man so much that is has influenced my life...and I couldn't think of anything which could better represent our interactions. heh, there's an ant running around in my keyboard and I'm trying to avoid squishing him while typing....ah, flicked away.

Hope everything is going well in the other land of the living...I know it is for Lisa, my roomate, who has recently anneversed her one-month relationship. right on. Two weeks until my four-month. I'm going down to Merced on friday, to celebrate his grandmothers' birthdays on Sunday. It will be interesting, being as how I will be thrown into the deep end and immersed in a large Philipino family....AHH! I've given my family to Aljay in VERY small doses considering. Just he wait! I'll get him like he's getting me *grins evily* and hopefully It will be the make-fun-of-aljay weekend and not the dz did somethingstupid,let'smakefunofher weekend....

alas, I'm off! class is open and I'm gettin cold!

THE ART OF COURTLY LOVE
(BETWEEN 1174-1186)

(DE ARTE HONESTE AMANDI)

1 Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.
2 He who is not jealous cannot love.
3 No one can be bound by a double love.
4 It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.
5 That which a lover takes against his will of his beloved has no relish.
6 Boys do not love until they arrive at the age of maturity.
7 When one lover dies, a widowhood of two years is required of the survivor.
8 No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons.
9 No one can love unless he is impelled by the persuasion of love.
10 Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.
11 It is not proper to love any woman whom one should be ashamed to seek to marry.
12 A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.
13 When made public love rarely endures.
14 The easy attainment of love makes it of little value; difficulty of attainment makes it prized.
15 Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.
16 When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates.
17 A new love puts to flight an old one.
18 Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.
19 If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.
20 A man in love is always apprehensive.
21 Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.
22 Jealousy, and therefore love, are increased when one suspects his beloved.
23 He whom the thought of love vexes, eats and sleeps very little.
24 Every act of a lover ends with in the thought of his beloved.
25 A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.
26 Love can deny nothing to love.
27 A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.
28 A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.
29 A man who is vexed by too much passion usually does not love.
30 A true lover is constantly and without intermission possessed by the thought of his beloved.
31 Nothing forbids one woman being loved by two men or one man by two women.
Personally, I think this is all a load of crap...the whole "You must suffer" angle doesn't really fly with me. and some of these numbers are just plain absurd. I just thought it was a might interesing and that I should share some of the things fI come across in my Medieval Studies class. Ciao.

Houston, Texas
Div 1, Junior, and Para-Athletes NAC

Desiree de Vries
Junior Women's Epee
53/82 (fucking bad, eh? that's what I get for not practicing and being exhausted)

Division 1Women's Epee
26/111 (*laughs uncontrollably* National Points Baby! C06...shit, had I won one of my D.E.s I would have been in the top 16 with a B06!!! *shrugs* Sacramento...)

This just goes to show you that even if you don't practice hardly at all and go to compete, yeah, you may suck at first...but it'll all come back to you in the end.
I came in seeded hella low for the Div 1...and emerged 9th out of the second round of pools....this also goes to show that seeding doesn't really give you any indicator as to where you really are....as I ended 26th...

Happy two months and two days
Fucking wash your car so it'll stop raining...(Narrator's voice: ...and there was Dez, our anti-heroine, caught in the rain as she stepped outside Bainer Hall wearing her fencing warmup, spandex shorts, knee high socks and tennis shoes. She could hardly make her way safely back to her dorm due to her lack of visibility and the fact that she couldn't see much through the slanting sheets of coldity...)

*glares through sodden hair at the computer screen*

To Larry

luckylefty01: yes, we probably need a shuttle to and from the airport...that will probably be about $30 each way...um...we may want to make a amall shopping run, if possible, when we are there, just so that we're not spending gobs of money on restraunt food, rather, it would be spent on sandwich crap and body cords for Dez! breakfast can be done at the hotel.hmm...I forget the other stuff in the email, but yeah. You're picking me up, right? if you get to my place at 4:30, we should be good to go. Dez is going to get her ass kicked so....yeah. No expectations! *sighs*JOs aren't looking so hot right now, eventhough I'm an auto.

Somewhere between the *procrastination* and the homework..
and the incessant forwards
and the friendships and the calls to each other complaining about CrUsHeS and BF/GF!!
Somewhere between the phone calls to old
friends and the "I miss you's", the "I love you's" and the "What are we doing tonight's?"
And somewhere between all of the changing and growing...
somewhere between the classes and the skipping classes...
and the StUdYiNg for teStS...
And the PRETENDING to "StUdY" for TeStS...
And the downright NOT StUdYiNg for TeStS...
I forgot--I forgot what ScHooL was all about.

Somewhere between all the appointments, starbuck coffee,and Mc Donald's...
paying bills and then not paying bills...
Making plans then breaking plans... Appearing, Disappearing, then reappearing & I forgot--I forgot what it was like to cry.
I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy...
And that pretending to be SmArT doesn't make you smart..
I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the FUTURE...
I forgot that you can't control falling in LoVe.
And that you can't make yourself fall in *LoVe*....
I learned that I can LOVE...
I learned that it's okay to MEsS UP....
And it's okay to ask for HELP!!!..
And it's okay to feel like crap...
I learned it's okay to cOmPLaiN and wHINe to all your friends for a whole day.......
I learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have and the things that you look for are right in front of you.
I learned that the greatest thing about
HiGh ScHOoL and CoLLeGe and the working world is that it isn't about the parties or the DRiNKiNG or the Hookups ...
It's the *FrIeNdShIpS*, which means taking chances.

I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about...
I learned that TIME and LOVE can heal all things...
I learned that just when you think it can't get worse - it does! ... but with the love and support of friends - you survive...
I've learned that when you start feeling BaD about L O S I N G touch and about those that you've lost!
They too, are feeling the same way....

I learned that letters from friends are the most important things. And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better! But, basically, I just learned that my friends........ Both old and new..... are the most important people to me in the world. AND.......without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.....

So this is a THANK YOU to all of my friends...
For always being there. And even if we're not on good terms or we have lost touch...
I will always have an unconditional
love for you.. 'Always and forever '

Myrna Loy
You scored 9% grit, 33% wit, 33% flair, and 33% class!

You are class itself, the calm, confident "perfect woman." Men turn and look at you admiringly as you walk down the street, and even your rivals have a grudging respect for you. You always know the right thing to say, do and, of course, wear. You can take charge of a situation when things get out of hand, and you're a great help to your partner even if they don't immediately see or know it. You are one classy dame. Your screen partners include William Powell and Cary Grant, you little simmerpot, you.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 3% on grit
You scored higher than 74% on wit
You scored higher than 34% on flair
You scored higher than 72% on class

Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

*sips at a Disneyland shot glass filled with brandy*
...and so dear friends, we begin anew.
Tomorrow I shall begin the Winter Session with Linguistics, Medieval Studies and Geology.
*sighs*
I shake my head both at the fact that I am actually drinking brandy before the start of term and at the fact that work must now commence as it has been. And the fact that I may be going to a frat party on friday where you wear a white shirt and people write stuff on it, which, because of the lighting, you cannot see until you get out. Sounds interesting enough...but we'll see. I'm more interested in cashing in on me "New Year's Kiss". Come what may, however.

Gah...
You know...brandy gets its name from the Dutch for "Burnt wine" and now I sense it. In the mouth, brandy tastes like a butter alcohol, but once it's choked down...it has rather a numbing effect and burns a bit like anything else deemed "spirit" or "hard liqour". I rather see myself as not a hard core drinker but rather a social one...perhaps not even conforming to the very essense of the word "social", rather, I am a very boring "buzzed" person (I must use that word as I have never been drunk. 3 shots of Smirnoff left me buzzed...*laughs* back to the entry...).

Indeed I fear for my life when it comes to college...I anticipate a sense of being overwhelmed and that sickens me. I fear....I fear that I am too insecure for my own good, though nothing outward has changed. Mind you, I will never openly or willingly appear as insecure unless I mean to be caught by it and the validity of my emotions called into question.....is this the way I act when I am "buzzed"? All I know is that soon I must go to bed...to arise at seven, be in class at eight and be done with the first day of my second quarter by noon.

*sighs contentedly*
Life is GOOD! In every aspect in the great and universal scheme of things, everything works as it should, never as it must. I ramble on because I have lost the restraint I once use to embody....and we shall see in the future what that entails. *sets down the porcelain shot glass* Done with the drinking for now...never will I aquire a taste for it as Lisa has *inclines head towards her* *smiles* if only you could see her...

I love life! I inhale every bit of its aura as sustenence for the soul...do you know what it is like to be able to feel the electricity coursing through your veins as one would if they were part of a grand machine? *laughs* I'm going to look back on this entry in the morning and see whether it is apparent I am buzzed...Lisa's red in the face now...absolutely ruddy at her shooting hershot of brandy...*shakes head* you are not to SHOOT brandy, dear....but cutting it with water, as you say, might make it a bit more palatable....I may be making up words, I don't know...I haven't eaten in a bit more than a day.

*come wet hair*
I just stepped out of the shower before I sat down to have a sip and write this. Now I am wearing my new boxer shorts covered with frog princes, hearts and roses and sporting the red words "Looking for Prince Charming" though I'm sure I have found him already. *winks*. I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day...I always have...not that I expect anything special...rather, I expect the day to be special because I have someone to kiss...someone to really call....My Valentine....
geeze, I miss him....

*drifts off to sleep*
Alright, I must end this parthetic yet insightful rant now...I still must brush my teeth, wake at seven andsucc? I shall always hope for the sooner...though I must still finish part two of his present....

Signed,
Desiree de Vries, H.R.H. The Dorkling Queen

P.S. (Porgot Sahmting) *grins at allusion* I do love Lisa =), who knows what other version of Hell I'd be experiencing right now if it weren't for her?! Wowza, I can feel the drowsiness and the sluggishness of my mind...thankfully this be not a daily habbit.................yeah, nor will I EVER make it so. Love to all, and Cheers!

What is your fantasy kiss?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is so me.

*sighs*

I can't wait to get back...

...for so many reasons.

*is strangely excited*

...I'm such a girl.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Don't worry,dear friends...I'll delete this before he sees it. *winks*
Just so you know...this is The Al Jay.

You taste like baked alaska. Your sweetness is
only matched by your smooth and creamy texture.
You are sure to set fire to anyone's taste
buds.

How do you taste?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, let me just say that a lot has happened over the course of November to make me rather skeptical/anxious of and for December (yes I know that we are curently in December). The greatest marker in the World of Dez (W.O.D.) is the fact that I have had a boyfriend now for three weeks. *sighs*. He just turned 22 on the 30th and will be graduating on the 18th *double sigh*. He is a saber fencer and has a hungarian friend named Mihaly (Mee- High) who visits Mariel Zagunis (I think it is her ...or it's Sada) frequently in Oregon. *le sigh*. Mihaly also looks like a suave actor/ GQ model...well, anywho, it's rather a strange feeling being attatched...and I REALLY hope it lasts. You can't think of another person who quite "fits me" so to speak (and not in the DIRTY way I know some of you are thinking), though I will never know if I quite "fit" him. Izzy has a girlfriend, which is one of the reasons I wanted to update...GOOD FOR IZZY! wow...I'm sad...I'm scheduling my breakdown and telling my roomate to keep an eye on me... Al Jay (Aliguyon Jay Boney (bow-nay) Guimbatan) has kept me on-track as far as class attendence goes, eventhough it is just as easy to stay out all night in the rain nestled in trees and stay out all morning walking the Arboretum and standing together on a dock watching the wildlife. He met my parents yesterday and they were quite taken with him (my mom being the one who to point him out for my at Swordplay during the three weapon women's tournament). Gah! Times are complicated and I don't want them to end! Already you must see my extended pain of foresight when it comes to my relationship...just because it may turn into a long-distance one...and although I know it can work out well, it all remains to be seen. The stress and the joy are what I get for putting myself out there this once...just this once. Well, I'm taking interesting classes next quarter (Introduction to Medieval Studies, Introduction to Archaeology, Introduction to Linguistics, Geology-The Earth, and Begining Weight Training) I have 8 am starts everyday...AH!. Fencing is going well and I am planning on making all the tournaments I had hoped to, starting with the Div 1/Junior NAC in Houston.....

So such is my life....I love both of my families, the one at home and the FENCING one....I dearly love those chums...and I am one of their own. Because of them my social life is teaming and I've enjoyed so much this first quarter of true life and existance...I've learned how to play pool, frolic about the arcade with Fez, watched Firefly with Cody, Marissa, Mike, Chris, and Al Jay, curled hair, Fenced, road trips, future dance lessons and hiking, long walks, team dinners every week...me swiping in people every week ;), yes, I do pay for good company.

If ever I threw a dinner party I would make sure that I, myself , am the most boring person there...that is the secret..to associate with those who are equal or better than yourself.

Wow, there is so much I want right now, so much I need right now, need to do, right now....and need to escape/need to endure in order to make me a more evolved individual..........I know this isn't the normal format for my entries, but the definition of normal is always changing, evolving...metamorphorphing. And I am off to lunch.........life is about to get a whole lot more interesting.

November 17, 2005
I find it somewhat sad and strange that I am now beginning to update my little black journal by means of my Comparative Lit class. Midterms are over and so begins the subsequent lull in mental activity…oh, wait…just a sec, that’s right, I’m in COLLEGE. Mental break? Hell NO! It’s a low constant murmur of “Oh, shit!” and adrenaline…just enough to be felt, but not enough to actually let the cold paddles stimulate my heart to a flutter above that of mere frustration.
I found to my sadness that this is indeed college and in being such the classes actually do try to function at a college level. I can no longer bullshit my way through papers the day before without suffering the consequences greatly. I earned a C- on my Film Studies paper centered around the celebration and social shift entailed by the growth of the medium (a well-deserved grade being as how half of my thesis was proved wrong upon further investigation), and I earned a D+ on my Anthro-Linguistics midterm, the reason being that, though I answered every part of the question, I failed to go into greater depth in my analysis of the social and cultural significance. … Fine. Be that way.

But well apart from my inherent lack of strength in the realm of academia (I got a C+ on my NAS midterm too…but that was a bitch and I’m happy), I have succeeded in procuring and fashioning for myself….wait for it…dun-dun-dun-DUHN! A SOCIAL LIFE!! (and a good one at that). Well…my social life started all of two weeks (Fridays) ago, when My team mate Al Jay found my screen name on Facebook and Imed me…asking me to pool since he, Mihaly (The Hungarian) and Victor Hum (Fez) needed a fourth for even teams. I said yes…and so began my social networking of the fencers. I went to pool with Lisa, Al Jay and Mihaly (Fez couldn’t come for one reason or another) and had a blast. I must say that I do so enjoy the company of fencers.

The next day, Al Jay offered to take me to Davis Fencing Academy (DFA) as a warm up for the tournament at Cal Poly. I heartily agreed and dragged my ass out of bed at seven thirty…changed and hopped in for a ride. (Lord my Comp Lit class is a TANGENT in itself…sheesh). Anywho…as much as I would like to invest the effort in retelling the past two weeks in detail…I fear that there is no way to give them justice. Saturday was fun…Monday I had practice and swiped 4 of us into Late Nite (me, Al Jay, Semyon and Fez) and we had a blast eating and curling Al Jay’s hair…(It was raining outside and the sprinklers were on…and we succeeded in getting each other rather drenched J), Tuesday Al Jay picked me up and we went to the armoury party at Preston’s house…much fun and chatting, Wednesday was practice (finally I could go on a Wednesday since Prof. Smoodin cancelled the film screening) and we went to Woodstock’s afterwards…Friday I embarked on the three day road trip to Cal Poly. I was initially put into Fez’s car, but was switched into Al Jay’s to my surprise... Al Jay is someone I know I can learn from…he is funny and, dare I say it, ME in male form. His right middle finger even locks as my own! We had a wonderful time…two five hour conversations…meals together…fencing…I didn’t want to come back to the reality of school. So we got back on Sunday, myself with three medals, two roses, and one drink mixer. Monday was practice and more swipes into Late Nite (Matt Rock, Cathy, Al Jay, Me, Chris Wilde, Cody and a noob) and they had more fun than I did…as they know my weaknesses and exploited them mercilessly!

*sighs to self*…{section deleted for content...as if you didn't already know ;), well, you don't and I would have it like this until the end...-Desiree, Nov. 19, 2005}

And as for the rest of life…I am now waiting for my NAS discussion to start…*rolls eyes* fun….especially when the T.A.s are in uproar and are being dissident towards the Professor and the curriculum ever since he verbally mistreated and disrespected them.. I have to write my annotated bibliography still…one of the easiest things to BS this side of art…so yeah, that’s due at 3…well, at 1:40 really since I don’t have a handy-dandy portable printer in class with me. I’m falling behind in Anthro-Linguistics…but it will be wholly rectified soon. Fencing is very good…as is Myths and Legends…Film is something of a bother and over all I have a hard time staying focused on school……….
Time for some major ass-kicking.
That is all for now.

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